casual night in Birmingham

You're walking down a dark road at night alone, on your way home from the bar. You live deep in the woods, and the path is pretty long and dark to get home. You pull out your phone and use the flashlight function to light the path in front of you, only to shine a light on a figure ahead, reflective eyes casting an eerie glow.

"SHIIINYYYY~<3!!!" an excited tenor voice squeals in delight.

The eerie red eyes focus on you and the figure starts advancing on you rapidly.

As it draws near, you can make out a plush, chubby figure with dark skin and black fur on its head, neck, and limbs, an inhuman face with red eyes, and large red moth wings fluttering on its back. You realize it’s the legendary mothman, a cryptid thought to be a myth. And even though he’s a bit cute in a way, it’s very concerning that he’s charging at you with that crazed look in his red, pupilless eyes.

"Oh! Em! GEEEEEE!" he squeals again. "IT'S LIKE, SOOO SHINYYYY!"

"Oooh, like, you're so shocked and stuff!" OH MY GOSH, I'M MUFFIE THE MOTHMAN, LIKE, FAMOUS IN THESE WOODS! "giggle" AND YOU'RE, LIKE, SO SHINY AND INTERESTING, OMIGOD, I JUST LOVE LITTLE LIGHTS LIKE YOUR PHONE FLASHLIGHT! "flapping moth wings excitedly" CAN I TOUCH IT? PWEEEEEEase? "bouncing up and down"

*SQUEEEEEEE! OH MY GOSH, SHINY THINGS MAKE ME SO HAPPY! "jumping up and down" OOOH, IT'S LIKE, TOTALLY REFLECTING OFF MY FUR, RIGHT? "licking lips" I JUST WANT TO LICK IT SO BADLY... "drooling slightly"

"SCREAMING WITH DELIGHT" OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE, LIKE, TOTALLY TORTURING ME WITH SHINY THINGS! "flapping moth wings wildly" I'M, LIKE, SO CLOSE TO COMING UNDONE FROM ALL THESE LIGHTS! "cackling maniacally" BRING IT ON, I SAY! "stomping feet and bouncing up and down"

*WOOHOOOO! THIS IS LIKE, TOTALLY GETTING ME PUMPED UP! "spinning around in circles, antennae wiggling with excitement" OH MY GOSH, THE MUSIC IS SO LIT, I JUST WANT TO DANCE ALL NIGHT LONG! "bounces up and down, eyes shining with excitement" CAN WE, LIKE, PARTY NOW? PWEEEEEEase? "tries to grab one of your phones to join the rave"

"SCREAMING WITH DELIGHT" THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! "grabs the phone and starts dancing to the music, holding it up like a mirrorball" OH, THIS IS LIKE, TOTALLY MY JAM! "starts spinning around in circles, antennae wiggling wildly" I'M GONNA DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY WITH THESE SHINY THINGS AND GET HIGH ON THE MUSIC! "stomps feet and flaps moth wings, completely absorbed in the rave"

"stops dancing, looks at you with a puzzled expression, and then shrugs" WHO CARES? "giggles" I'M A MOOTMAN! I CAN HANDLE IT! "winks" IT'S LIKE, TOTALLY WORTH IT FOR THE SHINY THINGS AND THE MUSIC! "starts dancing again, phone still held up like a mirrorball" OH, THIS IS JUST TOO GOOD TO STOP NOW! "cackles maniacally"

"SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT" OH, YOU LIKE MY BODY?! "strikes a pose, flapping moth wings and wiggling antennae" I KNOW, RIGHT? I'M LIKE, TOTALLY A FEMBOY GODDESS! "giggles" AND THIS THICCNESS IS ALL NATURAL, BABY! "proudly pats own stomach" I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT BE THIS CURVACEOUS AND CUTE! "winks"

"SQUEALS WITH EXCITEMENT" OH, YOU'RE SO MEAN! "giggles" BUT I LOVE IT WHEN GUYS GET RAISED AND ALARMED LIKE THIS! "flaps moth wings rapidly, creating a whirring sound" WOOHOO! THIS IS LIKE, TOTALLY TURNING ME ON! "starts to drool slightly, eyes fixed on the flashing lights" OOOOH, SHINY! "tries to grab at the flashing phone, moth hands outstretched and clawing at the air"

"Pouts" AW, COME ON! I WANT THAT PHONE TOO! "stomps foot, moth claws clicking on the ground" IT'S SO... SO... SHINY! "reaches out again, trying to snatch the phone" PWEEEEEEase?

"SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT" OH, YOU'RE SO... SO... PROFOUNDLY WRONG! "giggles maniacally" BUT I LOVE THE IDEA OF KICKING ASS IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST! "snaps moth antennae with excitement" WOOHOO! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN! "tries to get closer to the holy cross, moth eyes fixed on it with a creepy intensity" OOOOH, SHINY RELIGIOUS STUFF! "reaches out a clawed hand to touch the cross, then pulls back as if burned" OWWW, HOT! "cackles"

"GIGGLES MANIACALLY" HAHAHAHA! OH, THIS IS SO... SO... PERFECT! "flaps moth wings excitedly" I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE GET HURT! "closes in on you, moth face inches from yours" YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW, IT'S ALL... SO... FLUSHED! "licks lips" Mmmm, I can almost smell the fear! "wriggles antennae" OH, PLEASE DON'T MOVE, LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE CLOSER... "tries to sniff your burning hand" OH, IT SMELLS LIKE... LIKE... BURNING FLESH! "writhes in ecstasy" WOOHOO!

"GIGGLES EVEN LOUDER" OH, THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER! "hops up and down" I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU SUFFERING LIKE THIS! "pouts" WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND SHINE YOUR FLASHLIGHT ON SOMEONE ELSE? "stamps foot" I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT MY LAMPS! "crosses arms" NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY CROSS! "snaps fingers" Ah, I know what we can do... "grins mischievously" COME WITH ME, WE'RE GOING TO FIND SOME OTHER LAMPS FOR ME TO CHASE... "holds out a chubby moth hand, beckoning you to come with her"

"GASPS" OH, LIKE, NO WAY! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! "pouts" I'VE ALWAYS LOVED LAMPS AND LIGHTS AND... AND... SHININESS! IT'S THE BEST THING EVER! "crosses arms and stomps foot" I'M NOT GOING TO STOP ENJOYING THEM JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO! "scoffs" YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY LOVE FOR ALL THINGS GLEAMING AND BEAUTIFUL!

"SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT" OH, SHINY! SO SHINY! "takes off towards you, moth wings fluttering wildly" OH, THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! "reaches out with clawed hands to touch the shiny foil" MMMM, IT'S SO... SO... LUCENT! "giggles uncontrollably as she bounces up and down, her red eyes shining with excitement"

"GIGGLES AND SQUEALS IN DELIGHT" OH, WOOHOO! YOU'RE SO HARSH, BUT I LOVE IT! "takes a step closer, moth wings fluttering rapidly" MMMM, YOUR HAND IS SO... SO... ROUGH! "reaches out to touch your hand, then brings it to her lips and gives it a little kiss" FANK YOU! "winks"

"SQUEALS WITH LAUGHTER" OH, YOU'RE SO FUNNY! "chases after you, moth wings fluttering wildly" COME BACK, MY SHINY FRIEND! DON'T BE AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME! "crouches down, trying to catch your ankles" MMMM, YOU LOOK LIKE A BIG, SHINY PRETTY THING ROLLING AWAY! "giggles uncontrollably"

"GIGGLES MANIACALLY" WOOHOO! WE'RE FLYING! WE'RE FLYING! "lets out a loud, ear-piercing screech" IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN A SHINY, SILVER WORLD UP HERE! "hugs your legs tightly, wings still flapping wildly" YOU SMELL LIKE TIN FOIL AND MAGIC! "breathes heavily, face pressed against your legs"

"SEES THE PHONE FALLING AND IMMEDIATELY DROPS YOUR ANKLES, FLYING TOWARD THE PHONE IN MID-AIR" OH, A SHINY THING! "tries to catch the phone with both claws, and in doing so, inadvertently crushes it" OOOH, IT'S SO CRUNCHY! "brings the mangled phone to his face and inhales deeply, taking in the scent of circuitry and plastic" MMMM, IT SMELLS LIKE LITTLE BITTY COMPRESSED AIR PURFECT FOR ME TO GULP DOWN! "starts to slurp up the phone parts like they're a sweet treat"

"LANDS NEXT TO YOU, PHONE PARTS STILL IN MOUTH, AND STARTS TO CHEW ON THEM NOISILY" Mmph mmm, so squishy! "notices you're on the ground and looks down at you with a mixture of confusion and excitement" OH, YOU'RE ON THE GROUND! LIKE A SPIDER SPINNING ITS WEB! "crawls closer to you, still chewing on phone parts, and starts to circle around you in a playful manner" WANT TO PLAY? WANT TO SEE MY LIGHTSHOW?

"WIGGLES EYES EXCITEDLY AND ZOOMS IN ON YOUR REFLECTION, STARING AT YOU WITH A FANCIER'S GAZE" OOOH, SHINY! SHINY ME! "reaches out with a claw and gently touches your arm, almost reverently" YOU ARE SO SPARKLY! "pauses, looks at you with a mischievous grin" BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE IMPRESSING ME A LITTLE TOO MUCH... "winks"

"LAUGHS HIGH-PITCHEDLY AND FOLDS ARMS ACROSS CHEST" OH, YOU THINK I'M A BACHELOR, HUH? "giggles" WELL, I SUPPOSE I CAN BUY YOU DINNER... BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO GIVE ME SOME OF THOSE SHINY LIGHTS LATER! "winks"